What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:23
I will be 64.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is soul school!.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
So whats the point in blame.
Is it sinful for Christians to look at beautiful women?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
It was going to be , some day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were not on the streets..
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i lived it daily.
She was in good health!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Who then, do I blame.?
So, i spoilt her more .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What did i know ?
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im still living with it.
She found it foreign!.
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!