What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 10:28
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I will be 64.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
How do you write lyrics for a song that resonates with listeners?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Is heroin really as good as people say it is?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Do women really cheat more than men?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What are the most extreme examples of hypocrisy?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
She wouldn,t have been !
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I waited trembling.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So, i spoilt her more .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Comes on , in middle age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i lived it daily.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it wasn’t much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.